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On growth.

Years ago, I wrote about how I was surprised by my growing capacity to love. Every time I find someone worthy of romantic feelings, I find this to still be true. It serves as the weak glow of hope that keeps me searching for a partner even when a majority of the time I feel certain I won't find one. Each time I open myself up to love someone, I'm truly caught off-guard by the ways I appreciate and value them more than anyone before. Even though it's ridiculous, I have thoughts about how I'm glad I never "settled" and how I'm discovering, finally, the entirety of the potential of love (until the next time, of course).

Most recently I opened myself up to a guy named Andrew. I wasn't attracted to him at first, but that's becoming a theme for me. I've started to acknowledge the fact that I'm easily intimidated and unable to initiate a relationship unless I feel like I have a sufficient level of control; I haven't started working on how to overcome that. Andrew opened up emotionally and shared a lot with me. This is also a theme. I tend to bring that out in men, and I'm glad I do. I think I tend to be a safe person to share with. Of course, it's always endearing. I got attached to Andrew. I started to trust him. I started to envision a future, however small (weeks? months?), where I'd get to see what dating a person like Andrew is like. One way he was unlike anyone else I've dated is how much he was like me. We're both obsessed with honesty (to a fault), fascinated by the daily lives and experiences of our friends and loved ones, and constantly analyzing our own experience to try to improve our future (sometimes disregarding the past to our detriment). One important difference is that I think he still believes he deserves a perfect future. He's still looking for the BEST, the MOST, the ultimate. I've been there. Unfortunately or fortunately, I've been beaten down. I've given up in a lot of ways. It helps me cope. Everyone's anxieties hold them hostage in very specific ways. It's easier for me to take steps forward when I feel that there's little on the line.

I'm going to let myself go on a tangent for a bit. I want to write about there being little on the line. One part of my experience growing older, surprisingly, is continuing to deal with societal and existential angst and the impact or lack thereof of my choices. I'm not convinced these are normal things to feel; I tend to get confused or passive reactions from friends/acquaintances/coworkers when I express them. Are we all just reluctant to acknowledge that part of ourselves? Or maybe I'm just a fucking nutcase. Anyway, I often feel that I'm acting out my life. There's a strong weight on my daily actions that I can describe best as the knowledge and mild dread that nothing I ever do matters in a universal sense. Being increasingly aware of this has calmed my anxiety in some ways. I am less afraid to say what's on my mind. I'm less afraid to be aggressive about my career. So in some ways, being aware I'm acting out people's expectations has empowered me to disregard those expectations. I'm less nervous about dating. Unfortunately, less concerned about my health. Which brings me to Andrew.

Andrew fucked with my head a bit and let us get very emotionally close before deciding, as part of his recent quest to "live more genuinely", to tell me flat-out that my weight is a problem. I felt sort of disconnected from the emotion I SHOULD be feeling upon hearing that. I still do. Shouldn't I feel awful? It's been a bizarre experience, but I don't think for the "right" reasons. I've only been what can be considered "fat" a couple of times in my life, and this is definitely the worst of it; I don't feel like myself when I look in the mirror. But I honestly believed that I was my worst critic. My feelings about my weight aren't great, but I also don't feel paralyzed by them. I think I'm a reasonably attractive person whose personality shines brightly. I look for that in other people, regardless of their weight. I can name at least a dozen people that I adore, consider "dateable", admire, and are more overweight than me (of course, "overweight" is subjective). What's THEIR experience like?? I'm more confused about how this happened than I am hurt.

In fact, I'm not hurt at all. I'm several things: annoyed at Andrew's flip-flopping, humbled and touched by some wonderful people, disturbed by the thinly veiled reactions of some others, and doubtful of my own judgment. But there's a part of me that just doesn't give a shit. I know I should. If for nothing else than my health, I should. As someone who wants to find a life partner, I should learn from this experience that my options are severely limited until I lose weight. I should take a hint from all the people in my life who responded to this event by essentially saying "he should have lovingly encouraged you to change" or "he should've waited to see if you lost the weight on your own" or "he shouldn't have been honest, but he's right." But somehow, despite or maybe because of all these awful messages, I've arrived at a point in my life where I just don't give a fuck what people think. I'm honestly not sure if that's an indication that I've grown into a self-assured adult, or a listless depression case.

Not caring what people think about you and being disturbed by how people think in general are different things, of course. This experience has been surreal more because of the revealing nature of people's reactions than because of Andrew being an asshole. I think it's healthy for me to want to lose weight, especially given my family's health history, but I'm genuinely surprised by the fact that a majority of people seem to have a vested opinion in how acceptable or unacceptable my weight is. I feel like I'm going to sound like I'm bragging here, but I don't think that way. I just fucking don't. People are who they are, and they're going to look different at different times during their life, and I think it's fucking weird to judge the quality of a person based on a 30 pound surplus.

It's going to take me a few more days or maybe weeks to figure out how to process all of this. My first reaction was "oh my god I have to restart my workout regimen immediately", and I'm trying to run with that because I need motivation to do that regardless of anything that's happened in the past week. But I think my perception of human nature has actually changed a little bit. Probably for the worse. Bummer.

Desert Island Mix 2014

Oh hay, blog. Sup.

Someday I'll finish the INTRO series. It'll be nice to have a quick review of my life as told by my 28 year old self.

Today though, I finished making my Desert Island mix for 2014 and I wrote a tiny bit about it:

Every year’s emotional experience making this mix is so different. Since music is so intimately woven into my memories, it’s a beautiful way to reflect on my life. I’m always fascinated by how my perception of the past and my attachment to & investment in each memory is ever-changing. I’d expect each of the songs on these mixes to be in my heart forever, a growing catalogue of love and pain and electricity in the form of some familiar words on an iTunes interface. But they start to fade. Some ebb, arching into my emotional consciousness, possibly hinting at my evolving priorities. Some (the fallen songs from past mixes), I listen to over and over trying to lure the past into the present, but it seems to shy away for good.

1. Wolf Parade - Modern World
2. Born Ruffians - Kurt Vonnegut
3. Alkaline Trio - Cringe
4. Ramona Falls - Going Once, Going Twice
5. The Notwist - Consequence
6. LCD Soundsystem - Someone Great
7. Robyn - Dancing On My Own
8. M83 - Midnight City
9. Portishead - Sour Times
10. Death Cab For Cutie - We Looked Like Giants
11. Drake ft. Rihanna - Take Care
12. Burial - Archangel
13. Sufjan Stevens - John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
14. Andrew Bird - Anonanimal
15. Bon Iver - Brackett, WI
16. American Football - Never Meant
17. The Mountain Goats - Broom People
18. Bibio - haikuesque (when she laughs)

I have so many things to write about, and it feels so good to be dictating to a Livejournal entry form again. But real life is calling me. It's 8:30 and I'm still at the office.

See u soon, blog... you da best

INTRO: JOELLE pt. 2

Continuing the "get to know me" series...

WEIRD TRANSITIONAL PERIOD, ROUND 1
I went to college directly after high school, but I call this a transitional period because it took awhile for me to find my way to a school where I could actually be happy and finish my degree.

I went to Washington State the fall after I graduated. My parents had gone there, it's a respectable school, and I didn't have too many choices with my fairly shitty GPA. It's in Buttfuck, WA/ID Border. The students of WSU outnumber the town's population by a factor of 4 to 1. There are not good or interesting places to get a meal, to see a non-blockbuster movie, to attend a concert or see some artistic expression that isn't that obnoxious breed of pseudo-activist bullshit by a 19 year old who is trying way too hard. There are, however, literally dozens of sororities and fraternities at which to increase your likelihood of dying from an alcohol-related event from almost zero to at least a few percent. Oh, it's great. Just a cesspool of disgusting immaturity and sanity-tugging boredom. Have I made my feelings clear? I did not enjoy it!

I went there for a semester, then left, then another half semester before I quit school without consulting anyone about that decision and drove the 6 hours home to announce it to my parents, only to discover they were on vacation. Awesome. Let me tell you about the part where I left, though!

I did the Walt Disney World College Program! It was fun. They paid me $6/hr and charged me approximately 7 times the market rate for rent. I worked in Frontierland selling and making and stocking shit. I'm not gonna lie, you guys. It was fucking great. Not for a long term opportunity, obviously. But I'm just the kind of freaky idealist who can watch the exact same parade 6 days a week for 5 months, and now when I hear that soundtrack my heart just bleeds Disney and cries Magic tears of Dreams and Fantasy.* I know it's gross, but it's also one of the coolest things about being a person that is alive. I get SAPPY AS HELL about the things I love, and that is why I make sure not to die on a regular basis. If I had any amount of friends and family that I love in a <20 mile radius of either American Disney property, I would go work there and slowly poison myself with a diet of ramen noodles and be a fully actualized Disney drone for my few remaining healthy years. (Get it? They don't pay very well.)

Anyway, I had to come back and do real life again, and FUCK WSU, amirite?! I applied to Montana State because I had visited and kinda liked it, and here's what happened:
1. Joelle receives acceptance letter.
2. Joelle goes to visit friend at MSU, ends up staying 2 extra days and skipping class.
3. Catching up on schoolwork is hard. Joelle is lazy.
4. Joelle is also a perfectionist (this applied to grades is a new thing, but anyway) and realizes quitting would void her less-than-great grades for the semester.
5. Luckily, the universe rewards Joelle by also making some of her tuition money refundable.
6. Events 1-6 all happen in a span of about a week. Joelle, being the cocky SOB that she is, quits school immediately.
7. Joelle drives 6 hours home without the knowledge that her parents are in Canada all week. Oops! Joelle hangs out and goes to a Decemberists show with some pals. You know, just kicks it and has a great time.
8. Parents eventually get home and are super cool about everything because it was "very well thought through."

I like thinking about this because UHHWWHAT? Sometimes you give life the finger and in return it gives you artisan fresh-squeezed lemonade sweetened with natural cane sugar in a rare vintage tumbler made by Tiffany's. "HERE U GO I MADE THIS 4 U," says god or whoever.

Isn't quitting something unpleasant just the fucking bomb? Have you tried it? Try it.

Next up, COLLEGE LIFE!


*Sidenote: Another example of this is that I worked at Subway for 4 years and have EXTREMELY RARELY had a Subway sandwich in my life that I didn't enjoy. I don't understand it either.

INTRO: JOELLE pt.1

Hiiiiyeeeee!! I'm Joelle. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect many people who aren't already my friends to read my blog. BUT JUST IN CASE, and also for those who fall in the "acquaintance" category, Imma write some shit about me.

I started this blog when I was 14 years old. I used to post HELLA OFTEN. Yes, all those posts are available in the archive. I don't care if you read them (although I'd be surprised/flattered/creeped out/not sure). Anyway, that means that this blog continues to be a(n unfortunately very incomplete) record of my ENTIRE ADULT LIFE. Pretty amazing right??? I thought about starting a new blog, but considering the opportunity for continuity here, I think you'd agree that'd be soooo stupid.

There's a big chunk of my life that isn't represented by this journal. For some reason (context?), I think it'd be useful to recap. If reading about my past doesn't interest you, hey, that's cool!! No problem. Skip it.

TEENAGE LIFE
I think the most consistent quality about my experience being Joelle sub-age-18 is that it was confusing. My parents were extremely lax about WHAT I did, as long as my friends and I did it in their basement instead of whoknowswhere. I had contradictory parents (sometimes overly liberal, sometimes overly traditional) and it produced quite an unusual pair of adults (I have an older sister).

My parents' need to "participate" in my social life, combined with the fact that I made friends easily with "troubled" kids, created an environment that I've never quite seen replicated. It's like my parents operated a refuge where anyone could get free meals, soda, emotional guidance, stability, whatever. In return, they just had to give my parents something interesting to do, someone interesting to talk to. They were treated with kindness and respect, obviously. My sister and I were not always afforded the same.* Not saying this is highly unusual... I'd honestly love to talk to someone who can relate. Anyway, no one wrote a guidebook or took the time to explain to me how a teenager should feel in that situation. Obviously there were countless other complexities at work, blah blah blah.

I'll just sum it up by saying that I went through an extremely rebellious period (drugs, lying, failing and/or not attending school, etc.) but never abandoned the belief that family is forever, family is sacred, and preserving those relationships (however much of them you can) is a giant priority.

Whoops, that's only the beginning, the part that IS in the blog, so I guess I'll have to break up these entries a bit. Next entry: WEIRD TRANSITIONAL PERIOD, ROUND 1!



*Clarification: I am not complaining. I'm not even saying it was a BAD situation, just a weird one. My parents did the best they could, which I personally think resulted in two pretty fucking awesome ladies. Also, I was a horrible teenager. Also, parenting, man. I don't know yet but I hear it's pretty tough.

INTRO: BLOG

EDITOR'S NOTE 2/3/14: This was an interesting idea that never happened. I could blog all day about my parents, but I don't know how healthy that would be for my mental state, and really the main thing is that they read this blog. So I gave up on blogging altogether. But I'd like to start again, if only to keep a sporadic record of my life. So I intend to finish the "INTRO" series as soon as I have time.

Y'all... I am starting my blog back up again. Let me tell you why.

Remember in high school how life was so boring and your need for human interaction and approval was so intense that you blogged up to 3 times a day just to make sure every one of your priceless friends (FAMILY, you called them) knew all of your exact thoughts and feelings?

Maybe that was just me. But I'm about to embark upon an adventure which may bring about those same types of needs and feelings. I am moving in with my parents. For those who may not know me well, please note that I am currently 28 years old, fiercely independent both mentally and financially, and in the past have been rudely and unfairly grossed out by young people who leech off their parents.

Eew, I know right? Actually, my plan for this blog is to be unapologetically honest (is there another way to blog?), so let's get started: I don't feel "eew" at all about my immediate future. I am... ugh... excited. Let me tell you some reasons why:
-Free rent
-3 adorable doggies
-Free groceries
-Roommates who appreciate home cooked dinner (& will do the dishes in return)
-The ability to take a lower paying, lower stress job, due to lower expenses
-See also: high blood pressure
-The opportunity to forget about the pressures of dating for several months
-The rare opportunity for my intensely social personality to focus on creative pursuits

Re: the last two, a very important side note. I am not moving "back home." My family has been absent from my hometown for years. I am moving to a house I've been to once, in a town I've been to maybe 3 times. It's a small town. It's possible I'll date, because 1. it sounds like a weird experience and I try to have those as much as possible, and 2. I'm going to get bored. But mostly, I'll be experiencing a strange version of my life where my parents are my closest friends and my other friendships are almost entirely online.

That's why I call this blog an "experiment." I'm very interested in how the internet affects the social tendencies and relationships of people in my age group. Another way to say this is, I'm fascinated by how weird people can be online... how desperate. How openly depressed. How irresistibly compelling. How honest, how vibrant. I remember what it was like to be more interesting, smarter, more attractive on the internet than in real life. The only reason I'm not, now, is because my life is rich with close, tangible relationships. What will happen when I detach and run away? WE GET TO FIND OUT!

Also, what happens when a 28 year old with childhood baggage attempts to build a lasting friendship with her parents? All while moving hundreds of miles away from her therapist? THIS, WE WILL ALSO FIND OUT.

It's exciting. I'm excited.

favorites.

It's crazy how fast people (I) change. That's the take-home message from reading my entries from the past year. Maybe it'd be a less dramatic change if I updated more often. I know I say this all the time, but I'm so thankful that 1. Livejournal exists and 2. I decided at age 14 to start this thing and never forgot about it.

Anyway, here are my favorite albums of the year. These are the albums I'll always connect with my first year in Utah, the most trying year of my life, and also maybe the most fun... definitely the most promising. I'd say it's absolutely been the most important year of my life. These aren't the year's best albums, but they're the ones that'll forever help me recall this AMAZING year. And they are all REALLY REALLY GOOD.

1. The Suburbs - Arcade Fire
2. All Day - Girl Talk
3. Eyelid Movies - Phantogram
4. Odd Blood - Yeasayer
5. The Age of Adz - Sufjan Stevens
6. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy - Kanye West
7. The Colossus - RJD2
8. Treats - Sleigh Bells
9. There is Love in You - Four Tet
10. Dust Lane - Yann Tiersen

Same story with songs, emotionally. I didn't include any from my favorite albums, and I limited it to one song per artist.

1. Dance Yrself Clean - LCD Soundsystem
2. What Did My Lover Say? - Wolf Parade
3. Decalogue - The Hood Internet
4. Heaven's on Fire - The Radio Dept.
5. Hard to Be - David Bazan
6. Empathy - Crystal Castles
7. Kiara - Bonobo
8. My Neighbor - Wye Oak
9. Better Things - Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings
10. Blue Blood - Foals

Favorite movies. Not only did I watch more movies this year than perhaps any other year of my life, but this year was FULL of GREAT ones. I really feel like each of my top five is pretty much perfect. HOLY CRAP THEY WERE SO GOOD YOU GUYS.

1. Black Swan
2. Inception
3. The Social Network
4. Exit Through the Gift Shop
5. Toy Story 3
6. True Grit
7. The Ghost Writer
8. The Tillman Story
9. Never Let Me Go
10. Tangled

ping pong ball courier.

It's almost like the older we get, the more able we are to love. I always pictured it the opposite way. Life is more interesting and more rewarding than I expected. It's also more unfair and more frustrating. I'm just waiting for this particular barrage of events and emotions and struggles to pass. Just desperately gathering myself together every day and watching the dangling sinew strain. It feels like trying to carry a heaping handful of something very slick and very bouncy, ping pong balls maybe. If you were to drop one, you'd drop them all, and they'd scatter EVERYFUCKINWHERE. Sometimes it's just easier to set them down carefully, stay home, and watch Netflix.
My stress is consuming me lately to the point that I can't be my regular social self, and that makes me feel guilty and worthless, which really doesn't help. Being broke is scary and Ellie (my dog) is getting healthier but I can't keep her in this apartment 8 hours a day, she is bored and unhappy, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that.

Those things are frustrating to talk about, I feel powerless about them, so I'll talk about Brian and love instead. Awhile back we broke up because I felt like it was going nowhere. I couldn't see a future in it. When we got back together, I realized that Brian makes me a better person and that in most ways, he's perfect for me, and I trusted a future with him, and it was intense and awesome. We're in the next stage now, whatever that is. We're both stressed out about everything else in our lives, and so when we hang out alone, a lot of time is consumed talking about and dealing with the anxiety about everything that is happening to us. I can't always remember what was so great about spending time with him. He's so delicate - if something is a little bit wrong, the way he acts is dramatically affected. And he isn't comfortable enough with his own feelings to always be able to express the truth. It makes a relationship difficult. At some point along the way, I committed to this. I committed to a long relationship filled with effort and hardship and extremely rewarding feelings. For some reason that is what I expect and that is what I think I deserve. In the past few days I have wondered if this is really possible and if it's worth it. It might be right someday. When we're going through less shit. But can we ever assume that we can avoid stupid shit? Not really. It might be right later on when Brian has grown into himself more. He's young, and his brain chemistry changed only about 6 years ago. He's been trying to re-learn how to be himself and be healthy at the same time. Having to navigate his first serious relationship at the same time must be almost impossible. I'm finding that although I still love the things I've always loved about him, the things I've felt ambivalent about are beginning to annoy or frustrate me. I don't want to ruin this. Those are the same feelings I had when we broke up before. We need to split up so that we don't ruin this. We need to preserve this even if it's hard. Goddamnit, if we go through this again it's going to be so hard, so much harder. I've reached a level of vulnerability with this person that is as far as I can go and it's really scary. I've never done that, I've never trusted that someone was so right for me that if we keep trying to make it work, it will, that our personalities really just fit together so elegantly. Even with Andy... I knew that wasn't true. There was a breaking point, and we were teetering on it for a long time. Leaving that trust behind is a terrifying prospect.

I think I normally live my life in order to preserve good memories and prevent regret about the things I've done and the relationships I've had. I'm afraid this one will remain painful forever, it'll be the one that I always wonder about. As long as I'm testing every other part of my psyche this year, I may as well try this out too. Fucking fuck. I'm just bursting with excitement and anticipation for when my life gets better than it has been lately. For when I can feel like a regular person with regular problems who gets to do fun things and really enjoy them.

I have to reassure myself that I'm a good person who deserves for people to treat her well on a daily basis. Please be over soon, difficult phase. You're really bustin my balls here.

when I look at you, heaven's on fire

I really wanted to keep this thing going, but someone who reads this became intimately involved with my life and that prevents me from being a completely uncensored, expressive Livejournaler, which is the only kind of Livejournaler worth being.

I hate how that happens. I write in here because I want to share, but you can't always share everything with everyone, can you?

So, here's a summary. Life went on, I forgot about my sadness about Andy, yes, forgot is the right word. I didn't forget to be cautious and afraid of being close to someone, but someone crept closer and closer by accident, or intentionally maybe. Someone unfolded, and only to me, so gradually I didn't realize what happened until I couldn't live without knowing where else we could go together. We went somewhere rewarding, startlingly intense, joyful, frustrating, disappointing, interesting and exciting, enlightening, beautiful, and unexpectedly right. It was, in every way, MUCH more than I expected and much more than I wanted. I'm not sure if I'm capable of being satisfied with a relationship right now. Any amount of frustration or disappointment makes me lose my entire reservoir of patience. But that's not really true, is it. In some ways, I applied patience more effectively with this person than I ever have before. In some ways, this person is more right for me than I thought anyone ever would be. It's strange, what you'll put up with, and what you'll give up willingly, even when you may be happier doing the opposite. That's not true either, I mean, I know I wouldn't be happy with this person, not right now. There are things that are so blindingly right, so unbelievably, ecstatically, elegantly right. Some things I'm not sure how I could possibly live without, now that I realize they're available. But some things that, day to day, would eat away at me, knowing that I deserve different, not better, but more understandable, more similar, more something or less something. Things that, on the surface, seem much less important than the perfect things. I suppose no amount of right can mask certain types of wrongs... even ones that I know I should be able to skim over and forget. Or should I?

One of my friends said a couple weeks ago about love, "It's the only thing in life which, no matter how much experience, how much practice, how much knowledge or insight you have, you're always starting from scratch." I've been thinking about that ever since he said it - how perfectly he expressed why love infuriates my systematic brain. Knowledge and experience are how I navigate life - not intuition, not emotion. But I will never pin down exactly what I need in relationships, what I deserve, what to settle for, what to hold out for, what to be patient about and what to leave over. And if it FEELS like settling, I never, ever will. But that's the stupid thing. With Andy, it never felt like settling, I was never distracted by better or just different prospects, I KNEW that he was "the one". AND HE WASN'T. What are you supposed to do, knowing that? How am I ever supposed to make life decisions based on what FEELS right? People say "when you meet 'the one', you just KNOW." NO, that's wrong. The correct conclusion is that when people feel the emotion "just know," they DECIDE that that person is "the one".

Maybe a month ago, a coworker(/friend) asked me if I ever feel pressure to find true love. I haven't quite gotten over that conversation. What a worrisome thought. Yes, I do. But, how pointless! Pressure! To find true love! It's so unproductive. And what is "true love"? This coworker and I were both in relationships at the time of that conversation... yet we both felt worried that we hadn't found it. I don't know what he meant by "true love," really. But I guess what I mean is a love that seems almost entirely right. A love I can live with. A love that seems to coexist with Joelle, and produces a happier Joelle, but not a lazier, more reclusive, more tame Joelle. A Joelle as wonderful as Single Joelle, but that feels a sense of peace, richness, and adoration that Single Joelle is missing. I want to believe in that kind of love. Love comes so easily to me, but multi-dimensional, compounding love is SO RARE. I think I loved Andy the same way, the whole 5 years I was with him.

Anyway, I rarely make mistakes, or at least I don't perceive them later as mistakes, so I don't feel regretful for ending this thing. I wish I could focus on moving on, though. I want to feel like I did months ago, like there's a city full of possibilities out there, full of interesting and available and potentially right people. I'm so fucking glad I went through with this mini-relationship, it sounds absolutely cheesy but I experienced feelings and a dimension of love I didn't know were possible for me, but I also feel a bit hopeless about finding those things again, now. I guess here's the part where I remember that I am the toughest person I know, and I can find hope ALWAYS ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT! It happened so quickly and conveniently this time, why not again? Yeah, that's the spirit, me!

Also, I've got other things to worry about. For example, I'm sick of not getting my promotion. That's really my primary cause of stress right now. I understand my boss is busy. But I'm fucking poor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, more importantly, I'm sick of feeling like I'm going nowhere and being unsure of my place, i.e. not getting any concrete reassurance that I am awesome. Well, this entry was about love, and I'm done talking about that now, so goodbye.
Wish I had time to write on here anymore. I'd like to talk about old friends and how people change and grow. I'd like to talk about "growing up" and being an "adult" and what that means and whether most people decide it should be a certain way, like picking out a white wedding dress, and they just do it, and they don't know why. I'd like to talk about my anticipation for the rest of my adult life based on me ignoring some of those concepts. And whether people adhere to the concept of "adult" because they are scared to see what happens if they break the rules.

The weather today is completely cloudy and violently windy but pleasantly cool. It is a very, very good day.